I’ve been asking myself about the reasons WHY I wanted to create and maintain this blog in the first place. I thought about privacy, who would read it [maybe someone who particulary dislikes me]? Many people choose to keep away from social media in general because of these kind of issues, and I guess it’s basically to avoid criticism on different levels. And there is the other side of the coin… the possibilities of self-expression and the chance to connect with people who may share your interests and points of view, from whom you also can learn many things along the way.
So after thinking about the pros and cons of the whole picture, here I am. Of course I try to find balance between exposing my private life and sharing things [just because balance is healthy]. Criticism is something unavoidable anyway as I just can’t control what other people think, say or do, I just can control what I think, say or do. The advantages of the new ways of communication are endless, specially for artists and musicians.
Last night I was reading more about the project Amanda Palmer created on Kickstarter, it’s amazing what she’s done. I remember that I first listened to her music in 2003 with The Dresden Dolls. I basically discovered her through the internet when someone shared a video on a forum I used to visit back then. Now I follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. She’s maybe the person who takes the best advantage of current resources of communication, being independent, being herself, being amazing and humble at the same time. Is just the greatest inspiration… watch for yourself her TED talk about “The art of asking” [a huge mind opener].
The day didn’t started quite as well as Sundays should be. After having an argument with my mother I felt really annoyed, irritated and erratic. But a bit later, after having some coffee, I had a really good feeling, something I just felt once or maybe twice since 2004. I had the NEED to draw and paint, and I did, with dry pastels. I draw some words and gave them color, shades, backgrounds. I felt really relieved. I love that feeling, is what I think art always should be, something that needs to get out to make YOU feel better, that’s when it can be completely honest. And then the words of Fiona Apple came to my mind… “I won’t write a song unless it serves ME in some way”.
At some time I read an anonymus quote on a tumblr site:
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
I certaintly agree with the quote, but I have to admit that who mostly has tried to make me something else, it’s myself. How come? Irrational standards maybe and putting first what I THINK others may want from me in order to be loved.
Thankfully those days are far gone. But as all harmful habits are hard to remove, sometimes I caught myself confused or overwhelmed about what is that I REALLY like or REALLY want. So, what I do is ask myself repeatedly through the day What do YOU want? [or need, like, think, etc] and Why? Then I feel the answer coming from the inside, just being completely honest with me. No matter how weird, contradictory or absurd it seems, it’s my voice and it’s for me.
A picture of myself in 1982, holding Blanquita.
I can’t paint much when Leo is around because he loves it and HE wants to do it. I have hard times concentrating in more than one thing, so I save my painting moments for the nights, the weekends or other days when my mother helps me to take care of him.
Since last year I started to experiment with watercolors. I love watercolors. I like to paint with them, not always anything specific, just play with the water and colors mixing with each other, create patterns and textures. Painting is something that helps to develop patience. I have to wait until the coats dry, mix the colors correctly to obtain the desired tones and then clean up all the mess. And is great because I can have music on at the same time.
The last five years, since I got pregnant, have been the hardest, I can’t deny it. Becoming a mother was not on my plans, though I had not clear plans of my own either. Everything what has happened has been an inevitable consequence of the circumstances and bad decisions. But of course, there’s always a reason. Through this time I’ve been forced to think and focus on what’s really important for me and my life. I’ve been forced to question myself and search in the darkest corners of my heart to find the answers. I’ve been clueless and lost. I have learned to feel what’s true for me, doing my best one day at a time.
My cup of coffee, according to Leo.